Thursday, 19 November 2015

Words Could Kill.

...if you let them.

I ruined whatever I tried to build the past few years - my Sabr (Arabicصَبْرٌ ṣabr‎) is the Islamic virtue of "patience" or "endurance") was badly shakenEspecially, after I hear defamations and slanderings under my name.  And then people came forth to me with this news. Shocking, I wanted justice! I acted out based on my anger and emotions.  

My easy excuse would be blaming the bad week I had at work with the screaming superior, the worries I had to get my brother back home from Paris, the overwhelming tiredness from handling the kids, issues at home, being husbandless for that period of time. 

I could go on and on about the excuses and reasons. I could just push the blames on all those situation. I knew I snapped, BUT seriously, that is not a good excuse for me to act out on it and be so rude!

This line was thrown into my face - 'so much for your trying to be a good person'

That hits below the belt. Even though I believed I tried my best and then was slap with that, it really hurts. 

But that gives me no reason to be an asshole about it right? My behaviour is not acceptable. I am NOT that person anymore, that Erda 5 years or 10 years ago or even last year is no longer who I want to be.

How apt, this email came in right in time when I was writing on this topic.
Today’s HFW is (عَلِيْم) which means “all-knowing”. When we are in trouble, or are facing a problem and we talk to someone, they may know what we are going through, or they may not, sometimes talking to someone brings more sorrow, sometimes it make things worst, because they don’t understand, because they don’t know. That’s when we must understand and learn to practice talking to Allah s.w.t. for HE is all-knowing and HE knows what’s best for us.

Today’s HFW of The Quran is teach us about Allah! A good thing to learn and teach our family about, so that we can always feel His presence and love.

Allah s.w.t. is all-knowing, HE knows everything, HE knows our condition, the situation that we are in, what we are going through. HE knows, our history, and what’s best for us in the future. Allah is all-knowing and HE knows everything.

WE can’t hide from HIM, and we don’t have to. Allah knows everything and HE understands everything, and HE is always here for us. When we are sad, or disappointed, remember Allah and remember, HE knows we are trying our best and HُE has the best reward prepared waiting for us.

I believe this is a huge misunderstanding. I will let it go. Insya'allah. The pain of being called a liar, the pain of being fitnah, I will let it slip. I will be better than that.

I need to re-organise my emotions and thoughts, and reflect, reflect, reflect. I do not have to prove to anyone that I am a good person or playing the victim to win votes on my sides. I only have to prove to Allah SWT that I am one.

Anger is the root of all evil. Look at what is happening around the world.

I will NOT be that person.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

+81 The First Day of Arigatou Gozaimasu Tokyo!

This time round I had a month to think of what to pack, how to pack, in which bag to pack. So we booked an early flight, waking up at 3 am and was at the airport by 4 in the morning. 

This was what I scribbled:

||Tokyo Trip|| What to Pack
5days 4nights

<<Beans>> - life behind bars haversack
tops x6
tutu skirt x1
dress x2
jeans x1
leggings x5
pants x3 (sleep attire)
long sleeve x3 (sleep attire)
socks x4

<<Ah Teck>> - life behind bars haversack
the zipup one alia gave
socks x4
4x long sleeved rompers for sleep 

**spare clothing to be in carry on for kiddos - in New Era haversack

5 diapers a day 25 - luggage
+ 5 hand carry (separate tote bag IN New Era haversack)
babywipes (both hand carry & check-in luggage)
to be packed nicely in luggage:
fever patch
mozzie patch
bean's toothbrush
ah teck's telon, drapolone, anugerah baby oil

<<Umi>> - luggage bag 
tudongs x4
one sleep pants
skater socks
vans sk8-hi

sarong for e kids to lay or rolled as pillow  - new era haversack
yasin & telekong - luggage
portable chargers

choice of bags & extra bulky items
life behind bars haversack, new era bag & to trunki or not to trunki
sling & stroller

We decided to bring along a stroller this time round. Confident enough it will be of good service to us parental unit and indeed it was. A backache saver. Heh.

Prior to the trip, we had made arrangements for a pocket WIFI online and we opted for it to be delivered to our hotel. You could also choose to collect it at the airport, BUT I figured it would be of a less hassle to deal with by just delivering straight to the doorstep. You know, us adults with them luggage, kids, stroller, haversacks while hunting for the person to deliver the item after an eventful flight right, right? Ha ha.

It is an awesome idea that we do not have to switch our sim cards (and risk misplacing them after the trip? Noooo...) and it is not bulky to be carried around. Very light weight and as big as my palm.

A few weeks before, we purchased the shuttle bus tickets as well as the Disney's at JTB tour agent in Takashimaya. There are various stops that you can choose from the shuttle bus service and our bus stops right at our hotel. They cost roughly 30 plus per adult. Kids ride for free till they are 4/5? We got open tickets for both the shuttle and Disney so we can go at any time within a year.

The flight was, hmm, mentally exhausting. The boy started screaming and refused to be seated (as well as refusing the husband to carry him pfft). After victoriously (in every parent's standard) calming him down and putting him to sleep (hello, thank you boobs), I experienced my first panic attack on board. I felt like that was the longest flight ever, EVER!

The counter for the airport limousine was right outside where we exited.  We showed our ticket at the counter to reserve a seat. The bus comes every 10 minutes so it isn't too bad if you missed one. We stayed in the queue and the porter helped with our luggage and we are ready to go!

The weather when we arrived was cooling at 25 degrees.

The bus ride was smooth and the kids were behaving so yey us! It took us about 95 minutes or so to reach our destination. 


And then it started pouring. It was raining so heavily that certain parts of Tokyo was badly affected by the flood. The people back in Singapore was of course very worried, but we assured them that we were fine.

We didn't do much on the first day of arrival due to the heavy downpour. The Husband went out, equipped with a brolly to hunt for food for us. be continued.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

What Happened to My Weekends!?

...or whatever happened to my October?!

Monday Tuesday already, say what!?

This post has been in my draft since er early October, but I have been so overly exhausted with work and handling the home affairs that  I lost the mood to write anything.

The husband left on 27 September and now we have 15 days to go before he comes back home!!! Woop! Woop! 1 month 1 day to go, can you believe it!? I am really hoping he could get an earlier flight back home.


I'm oh so tired. Exhausted beyond my life. I am dragging myself up every morning. I am on auto-pilot, just for the kids. I cannot deal with people at my daily grind. Screaming, demeaning buncha people. Urgh. I am worried about my parents. I am worried about my stranded brother in Paris. I am worried about how my sister is coping on her own handling 2 boys and her newborn down under. I am worried about what is to become of me at work. I am worried about the husband having no rest and working all the time.

Breathe Erda breathe.

Again, I can't help but sponge in eh? I have to detach. I have to remove myself from all these worries. Yeeaaaaaa right. I will end up thinking about everyone despite telling myself to be selfish.

Each time I whine about handling the kids alone, I thought of my single parent friends and shut the hell up.

*slither around the office like a snake*

I have been busy. When I say busy, I really mean my breath being sucked the living hell out of me. Probably explains the claustrophobic and anxiety attacks I have been facing lately. 

So what's up the past few weeks?


September 27th
Right after sending The Husband off, I thought it would be nice to make the girl happier by going on a sushi date. She's a Chawanmushi freak, this kid.  Went to get some goodies for her birthday party in class.

This is me trying to sort out the items in the goodie bag. I work like a production line worker.

September 28th
Even after spending the whole afternoon with us the day before, The Jengster came to the rescue! After collecting the birthday girl's cake from our favorite baker, we zoom back home. I don't know what I would do without The Jengster. Thank you woman.


Happy birthday, love.
From your Umi who is forever 'there' for you.

October 3
Friends that I treat like family swinging by with chocolates and entertaining the kids. Much love and appreciation. You are a keeper. People I kidnap and lock inside my heart one ar!


Later on, we had dinner with the kids nearby. It was a riot. -_-. My fisherman's pants almost slipped off, oh woe is me. Mental note, no more those kind of pants when out with the kids.

October 4th
No haze only mean we get to take a stroll to East Coast Beach day, yey!



I, personally could not believe that I made my mom walked again in her flip flops. Hey, I did warn her ok to wear proper footwear hahaha. But ha ma gawds, pushing the double stroller up and downhills with 2 kids on it was sheer madness!

But.... let's do this again. Madness and I are best friends!

October 10
I offered my face as a canvas for these girls to work on. You know I am not a make up person sooo this is kinda big for me to volunteer my face haha.

Check MUKA out!

M * U* K* A's mission is to rebuild broken confidence and inject some joy joy and happiness into your soul! Engage these girls if you want to have makeovers, photo shoots, events or even to make yourself feel good! 

Tell them, Erda sent you heh heh.


October 15
The girl has been whining that I been spending too much time with the clingy boy. Oh, my heart. *Please insert sad Umi's face juggling 2 kids with so many emotions, here*

So an ice cream date it was. 

The boy wasn't too pleased to be left behind.

October 16
Dinner over annoying belly dancing with the girls that matters, the ones who are all in the same boat with matters of the head. It was nice to reconnect everyone that I call sisters with one another. Here's to love, hugs and a crying shoulder to lend on, my girls!


October 18
A mini swiss-roll workshop at Hougang by my dear sister in law and, of course the riot that ensued. 



October 19
What do you do when the kids are asleep on a Monday night?
3 mothers took off for a mission across the causeway for food!
Singing and drive-by shooting at 2 am *inside joke*

October 23
I had a series of anxiety attack after attack. This time round, I was sleeping, I woke up all choked up. I can't breathe. I tried deep breathing. The more I breathe, the sharper the pain in my chest. The attack kept coming one after the other. I panicked and tried to run out of the house. Like hello at 2 am?? I struggled with my breathing, I ran to the bathroom to take a cold shower to calm myself down, but I ended up bursting into tears because I seriously do not know what else to do. I felt like fainting and my ego got the best of me, I do not want to wake the house up so I struggled alone. Took my ablution sat on the prayer mat still feeling like I was dying and fell asleep. 

The next day, I rose from slumber thankful that I didn't die. The episode left me all tired and 

I thought of my mother. I sent her a thank you package for managing the kids and I. No words could really express how much I appreciate her.  I can only send my prayers to her for good health, to be in a good mental state of mind and have more sabr handling us all. Thank you, ma.

That night, The Jengster kidnapped us all for a sleepover. She suggested I need more rest while she helped look after the kids. Another angel friend of mine, I could never thank you ever enough babe. Thank you for looking out for me. I wish I could do the same for you. Insya'allah. 

catnap i see.

October 24
Coffee, a good laugh, and hugs.

That's all that matters ey? 

October 25
I decided the kid's hair is annoying me. The long unkempt hair gots to gos babes~

That afternoon, we paid a visit to my childhood friend who gave birth to twins! Shared our mummy's woes and frantic, frenzied moments with the first time mom. Helped her out calming the girls down. For a while it felt like a childcare center! haha. I totally feel for you, my friend! The first 2 years we need to fight on!


I present to you my friends since I was 6 years of age. I treasure human friends. If I still keep in touch with you and ask you out, you're part of my human treasures that I stash in my vault called the heart.

27 October - 1st November
Those few nights were pure madness. I was running from clinics to hospitals at 5 am in the morning. Sponging the boy who was at a 40-degree temperature. Seriously worrying the bejeezus hell out of me. I had to take urgent leaves and then there were people commenting about my kids falling sick way too much, got me all worried about my place at work.

Lack of sleep, screaming crying child, I had a meltdown over the weekend and called my Mom to hurry back, I could not control my temper and I fear for myself.

...That I might harm people around me.



Meanwhile, the kid was having fun at the Safari Zoo last Friday. Thank you again, The Jengster for taking her out. I'm glad to see smiles on her face and her rants telling me her adventure later on during our facetime chat.


That Saturday 31st October, I marched off to the polyclinic. Because the boy developed rashes and was going through rounds of diarrhea, unfortunately from the antibiotics. 

and right after this, he toppled over the right side of the slide. tsk.

This was what happened after the visit to the doc - The boy grabbed the bowl of porridge that I was feeding him and PLOP! it fell on me. Thank god it was not boiling hot!

Yey me.
too tired to feel embarrassed.

I went to get myself checked. The doc suggested for me to go back to my psychiatrist at IMH since they have my details. They pinpoint it as panic attacks. I have to feel better. 

Here we go again.