Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Dear Mother Can You Hear Me Whining

We celebrate mothers and their many roles they juggle with this position they took up. Although seriously, I for one do not wish to take up the multi-tasking roles but unfortunately, things happen and you have to handle them.  All these responsibilities and jobs are shoved right under my nose.

I hope I make this clear - I do not like multi-tasking. In case, you think I am being big headed about it.

I have to manage and take on roles of a parent at the young age when the parents split. I have to play mother to my brother. I had to think of the debts that were piling up. I had to deal with a depressed parent. I had to deal with my Indonesian counterpart whenever problems arise. I have to cope with a lot of things on my shoulders.

I had still have to think of ways to settle issues and problems that go my way.  Most of the time alone.

Alas, the job that I am doing requires me to do the same. So work-life balancing act for me finally caused me to crash and burn. My brain juice is totally juiced up from 9am-6pm and leaving close to none after.

Why am I bringing this all up?

Because finally, after years and year of hauling cans of worms on my back, I admit, I am stressed out. Hence, the depression and anxiety that drops by to say hello ever so often.

This mother's day I am not bragging that I CAN HANDLE MY OWN PROBLEMS. The truth is I can't, but of course at 37, I can't just shove it under the carpet and pretend everything is ok right? HAHA, I WISH! I have to play the big kid and work around the problems.

Expectations can be a bitch. So drop those expectations and deal with it.

Who says happy go lucky people don't deal with depression?

Happy mother's day. Pfft of course, we should be celebrating mother's day every day. Tell her you love her every day and you appreciate whatever they do for you every day. But yea why not have a day for women to celebrate them. We are of a weaker species but hey we are doing what we can ok!

While I am at it, I would like to celebrate my Mama and Mak for being badass at handling us kids and the grandkids. I pray for their good health, be it mental or physical. (I tell you it's always the mental that caused havoc to us.) I learn from both of them -To be a stronger woman, to be sincere in whatever we do, to work independently and not always rely on people.

To the other mothers in my life, I pick up the good and learn from it and then those bad stuff that you do ar, I cringe and swat them away siah!

Thank you for that.

Here's to my favorite mothers; the single, the fatherbeingmother, the motherthathavetoplayfather, the trying to be one, the ones that are broken - YEY GO YOU! YOU CAN DO IT.




Thursday, 28 April 2016

Matters of the Heart

This week has been quite eventful. 

I know I haven't bern penning down my thoughts. I am totally spent by end of the day after work or when I am free, my mind don't feel like speaking up, too many backspacing going on. 

The grind hasn't been too kind. I was choked slam back to back since Monday through Wednesday causing me pretty intense panic attacks. The screaming culture gets to me after 15 years. By end of Wednesday, my soul felt as if it had been butchered inside out, my soul drag around town for the world to see. It was tiring pretending i was ok and end of the day crash and burn from faking it.

It was a sign i guess when my mom said she don't feel good today. I was debating at 2am when I was sponging the sick boy. Will i even survive work with almost zero sleep? 

I need this break. From going mental at the grind.

Today, my mother in law went through the Angiogram procedure. Unfortunately, it caused complications to the wee old lady heart and now she is in the Coronary Intensive Unit Care ward and on the heart support machine. My mom came over and held her hand, stroking my mak's hand. She told her to stay positive and don't give up. Mak looks like she's giving up from the way she speaks. 


I fed her dinner and tears rolled down her cheeks. I held back mine. I wiped her mouth. I kissed her forehead and almost in a pleading voice telling her to please rest. She's due for a heart bypass surgery this Saturday.

You are in my doas Mak.


Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Love Wins

 I needed a break and was excited that we finally get to plan another short vacay with The Husband. Of course you know how rarely he is in town so all these little time spent with him means a lot to me. I'm sure the kids' feelings resonate with mine.

A few days shy of our trip, my mother in law went for a full body check and they found that her heart is not doing good. That she might have a heart attack anytime and best that she goes through surgery to fix it. That was the cause of her being so weak and lethargic even panting at rest. All through Friday night till Sunday, I looked at my husband with worries drawn on his face. I decided to forego the trip. It is only the right decision. He needs to be around his mother. Sacrifices have to be done.

Love prevails; I can't bear looking at his broken soul.

"I am not ready to lose mak"

Mak is my mak too.