Monday, 21 October 2013

Enemy of the State (in My Head!)

Hello. I am here to update about my head. Ha-ha see! It rhymes!

Today I brought to you the many things that are on my head.  I am typing this out as my brains churn and barfed out information. Follow my trails of ramble brought to you by my overly active brains today.

I have not been following through with my medication. Friends and the ever so loving husband knows of my forever love and hate relationship with any kind of medication. I told them I believe I can heal on my own. Mahaha. Having said that, I am making my own move to better myself and improve the state of my head without relying too much on the meddiesBa dum tss. There ya go, another rhyme.

the state of erda's head. 

I do not want to rely my entire soul on medication. I will bring this up on the next session. I don't want to lose me. I miss the old Erda; full of energy and bursting with so much fun. So much fun, so adorable. Ceh ceh hahaha.

What are the steps I intend to take to make this work?

I aim to get busier than busy and stick to it. The last time I got myself pre-occupied, I managed to keep the temper/depression at bay.

1. I have started doodling, furiously. I call it my doodle in the train episode because the people in the train drive me to insanity on a daily basis. 

Tired of the day? Doodle
Angry with a certain somebody? Doodle
People giving you shit? Doodle
Idiots pissing you off? Imagines doodling their face with my sharpie

Just the other day, Drama was crying and looking for her Aby. I said to her "oh boy, you sure are sooo angry and frustrated. I know how that feels babe. *handed a box of crayons to her* here, go crazy on your anger! show me how angrrrry you are!" i then started rawr-ing and making constipated dinosaur sounds and we ended up laughing at each other. She vented her anger down on the paper as well.

the art project darya did with her Nenek.


Of course it would be a lie if I said it went on smoothly. I failed. I snapped at Darya a few days ago.  I felt bad though. I wouldn't like it when people snap at me right? Tau pun.

so i see you are on facebook again ey?

2. I did the unthinkable. I went back to Facebook. hahwhwahawhawh I don't have any explanation for that. I went missing for 1 year and poof! I got myself back into the bandwagon. Ok fine, the reason is I need to be in touch with my friends. So there goes. I miss being around people.

3. I will make the effort to hang out with friends and be around people and please Erda, do not bail out in the lastest minute. heh heh.

every time this girl comes back to singapore, we have bike issues.

i need to catch this flying girl for a date.

Nowadays I noticed when I get agitated I will start scratching. I will scratch angrily on my arm, hand, legs, chin, face. I do not know what this new thing I am doing is. Or probably I have done it but I never took notice. But scratch i will. A few days ago, Darya was screaming.  She was very demanding. I bit my lips and started scratching my head and hand till it bleeds. I scratched myself sore and raw.

I am fighting with the withdrawal methinks.

Strangely, at night I feel as if bugs were crawling under my skin and on my face or so I think. Especially when I am trying to sleep. I will start slapping the "imaginary" bugs off me. Goddamit it is annoying. I will scratch and slap. Not knowing where the main itch comes from.

*scribble furiously down the notebook 'lexapro causes itchiness or what i assumed it was an itch'*

Previously, the doc said I was not being honest with my feelings. I assumed I seen her scribbled 'bipolar'. I should have asked what it that I actually am going through is. Post natal? Dysthmia? What type of Bipolar? What kind of depression?? What? What?

I carry a notebook with me. I scribbled down things to ask, notes on my behavior in case I forgot to ask during our session. Brains have a way to suddenly not worked for me when I badly need it to function AND strangely starts working when I am about to sleep.

4. I plan to start running again, with beans sometimes and alone of course, most of the times. I am on a frequent workout of planks and squats. I do squats in the bathroom while brushing my teeth and shampooing my hair. hur hur. I will do planks while reading to Darya or watching the telly-o. 

5. Get back on proper diet, Erda. My diet has gone crazy. I will be binge-ing one moment the next I will not feel hungry and not eat at all. Stick to proper diet!

6. TRUST MYSELF. Love. Love. Love. All I need is love bebe. I will not get into the self-pity party gang. WILL NOT!

7. From that point above, comes BE GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL of what I have. I am very grateful to have a supportive husband. I am thankful that my husband checks on me on how I am doing even though he is outstation overseas in a different time-zone. I am thankful I have my Darya when my husband is away. I am thankful my mom comes to care after Darya when I am at work. I am thankful that my siblings are in touch with me. I am forever grateful and thankful to live another day.

8. This was supposed to be on my top priority list but I guess saving the best for the last point form of the day. Ha-ha. - PRAYER. Seeking solace. I treat it as my own meditation; a personal conversation with THE ONE. I have been busy on weekdays going to sermons/lectures. My sister has arranged for Quran readings every Friday. No harm in brushing up what I used to know. Insyallah, this time practice on what is learned. By god's will, I will not backslide, I will not fail myself.

So I am pretty tight up. Idle mind is the devil's workshop. 

I forgot what else. I have something else floating in my mind but I got interrupted and now my trail of thoughts got derailed. pssh

On a side note, I am almost THIIIIIS close to book a flight to Zurich/Kashmir with Beans. I have moments like these. The "hey, let's go somewhere" moment and I will be very excited about it.

So last week was my 3rd psychiatrist visit. What a waste of time. Heh. I prefer going for my talk-therapy than seeing my psychiatrist. So I dodged pass the pharmacy and skipped off for home. I chose not to get more medications.

NAI I say! I will do this one more time without drugs. 

You can do this Erda. You can beat this depression's ass down.

here lies kittyspit. may she be forever in peace


  1. You are doing great by expressing your emotions via doodling and writing down your feelings babe! *clap clap & hug* and I wish you all the goodness in the world that you get happy self back (psst....I sooo can relate to you about "feeling not appreciated")

    1. thank u thank u! need to fight this myself. will not backslide, will not slip, please no. ahahha

      weirdly we shouldn't be feeling that if we do it secara ikhlas kan? but we are but human yo. that feeling sua emerge one.

      mari la clappity clap together! woop woop there it is~